Monday, February 13, 2006

Totally Scientific Female Classifications

Today at work, as I was checking my regular stable of blogs, I found that Roar Savage (who I'd like to add may be the one of about 3 people that read this blog judging from the comment section) had an interesting article attempting to classify all guys into 5 categories. Generally, I am all for classifying people into easily distinguishable categories, and feeling the need to defend the male gender, I decided to attempt to classify the average 20-28 year old female into five easy to define groupings. Main characteristics might be a better way to put it, because I think in many cases, a female could have small parts of the other groups in them, but for simplicity's sake, let's just assume everyone fits in their nice, neat category. And let's get started on this magical quest for easy sterotyping and typecasting:

Slutty McPlowed-a-Lot

This specimen is what every guy on a cold streak is looking for on a Friday night. She is the girl who's attire was chosen primarily to show off her breasts and ass (AKA "the goodies"). She will respond to most come-ons and feign interest in whatever lame work story the guy is telling her in hopes that this guy will be the one to put up with her for a couple hours in exchange for a fierce game of hide the salami later. Often, The Slut's eternal quest to be plowed is fueled by her gasoline of choice, the Red Headed Slut (clearly). After the tepid night of passion, The Slut will not be heard from again by the guy. If she is spotted and recognized, she will respond with either a quick brushoff or a "Who are you again?". In many cases, The Slut is mainly friends with males, both because girls despise her and guys want to keep her around so that they all get their turn (and they all will). In a strange twist, in non-going out/bar/party situations, I've found that The Slut is often not easily distinguished. She watches ABC Family Channel and 7th Heaven - but as soon as she gets out on the onramp to drunktown, its only a few exits to Intercourse City.

MRS Buy-Me-That (the degree, not the prefix)

This specimen is commonly found in the DC area. The main feature she looks for her in guys is their earning power. To feed their insatiable hunger for Louis Vuitton handbags, it becomes a neccessity to find a guy that is able to supply her with luxury goods. Their relationships tend to be much more superficial, seeking a night on the town at the exclusive, be-seen hot spot, rather than the intimate dinner at the hole-in-the-wall Italian restaurant. This is the type of girl that follows a sexual tit-for-tat; if he goes down on me, I'll give him a beej. It just so happens that the type of guy she requires, the power hungry, huge ego, down-up hair style is oh so similar to her. The guy may or may not have the money to support her shoe habit and may bankrupt himself to retain these usually attractive specimens for as long as his debit card will allow. I honestly, other than their hotness, see much of a point in pursuing The Gold Digger other than for a short term trophy conquest. It's easy to appear rich and important (which is all The Gold Digger is looking for), but the ones that are don't usually need to flaunt it constantly.

Party On! The Wayne and Garth of Females

Ah yes, the party girl. So hard to define because there are so many subcategories, but I will do my best to provide a generalized and stereotypical description. This girl is pretty normal in most respects, in that she works an average job for an average salary, probably drives a late model green Honda Civic and lives in an average apartment. To escape the daily drudgery of their life, they live for their Friday and Saturday nights, as well as the occasional Happy Hour. I may be in the minority, but I don't believe The Party Girl is the one that needs to go out every night and show up at work hung over everyday. I think that they go out on average 3 nights a week, but when they go out, they don't sell themselves short. It is these females that Loverboy wrote their classic "Working for the Weekend" for. In many cases, these girls were in sororities, and in some respects try to maintain their sorority values in the real world. They party hard, and play down their sexual deviance. They will be found in your local Irish Pub, at Old Glory, sometimes at a hot place downtown (but not as a habit). Guys need to expect things to progress a little slower physically, i.e. maybe expect a handie the first few sessions. These girls hang out with their female friends primarily, and generally travel in packs out to the bar. They dream of Mr. Right sweeping them off their feet, but will settle for the best available. I see this group as the most chameleon like, because at any time, they could display elements of each of these groupings.


The geeky girl is usually not found on the usual DC social circuit. She is found at home watching C-SPAN or on the computer. She's shy, sometimes shunned by the image-conscious average DC male. She can be found writing W4M ads (I assume some of those aren't transvestites. Seriously SOME of them must be... right?) on craigslist. In many cases, these girls are deprived sexually (either because of looks or social skills). On the other hand, they often attract like-minded guys, and you'd be surprised how many of them have serious relationships. In some ways, this category could be the classic good personality girl (with widely varying levels of attractiveness).

What People Used To Actually Believe Britney Spears Was

Yes, I'm talking about the Virgin. In many cases, this category does not describe a full-on virgin; it could include The Tease also. This girl, for whatever reason, religion, been burned to a a crisp in past relationship, abuse, whatever, will not put out. It will take months to get a smooth HJ at the least. She is like quicksand. The guys that aren't immediately turned off by the lack of action, the ones that feel like they can be the ones to unlock the treasure, get sucked in more and more. After a few months, they feel like they can't get out until they get something out of her because of the time they've already invested. This girl is a dead end for 97% of guys over the age of 21, but are often attractive, truly making them the forbidden fruit.

Just Though of This One

In some cases, this specimen (regardless of promiscuity) could be represented by The Female Friend. You know, the one where the guy is eternally in the friend zone. The one that no matter what, you will get nothing out of (other than repressed misery). This girl will sometimes use the interested guy as a conduit to his friends, giving her a supply of hook-ups and minor relationships to further torment their "friend". Not to put all the blame on the girl, the guy involved with this girl is so taken by the attempted friendliness of the girl, often confusing it for repressed interest, that he puts the pain on himself. This really isn't a classification of a girl in general, now that I look at it, but it is a situation that many people see.

There it is. My rambling, probably retarded analysis of the stereotypical female categories, along with a brief overview of what a guy is to expect from each grouping. After reading it, it appears to be about equal to a DC Bachelor D+ quality blog posting (he is quite a bit better at this than me, my specialty being complaining about living here yet finding minor things that keep me going), but I never claimed to be a social scientist, nor as active on the DC dating scene (due to being tied down to a classic Party Girl for a while now). Please help me expand on these categories so that a definitive tome of female social categories can be established. Join in!

Administrative Note: Once 24 ended, I had a very slow night tonight. Also President Logan is the lamest President since Warren Harding (at least Harding had Teapot Dome to his name)


At 10:52 AM, Blogger RoarSavage said...

"They party hard, and play down their sexual deviance."

I love it!! Good list.

At 1:37 PM, Blogger Marci (aka Baby Banana) said...

I got too caught up trying to figure out in which category I belong to comment...

At 3:47 PM, Blogger RoarSavage said...

I'm def the party girl. Which are you, Nanner?

At 5:15 PM, Blogger Marci (aka Baby Banana) said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 5:16 PM, Blogger Marci (aka Baby Banana) said...

I think I am an even split between the party girl and the female friend (although I have been trying to be conscious about NOT automatically relegating myself to the latter).


Post a Comment

<< Home